Raising our Children Soulfully

The day I understood how motherhood worked.

Recently, I have been struggling to connect with my five-year-old daughter Mia. The disconnect has been gradually escalating since the birth of my second born three years ago. The fights between us have been occurring closer and closer together. The more defiant and disobedient she became, the angrier I became, constantly yelling at her and really finding it increasingly difficult to connect with her. I continued to stand by my story that she's an ungrateful little brat as I do everything for her- from cooking to cleaning to story reading to taking her to school etc. etc. etc. etc. etc., the list goes on and on. Deep inside though, I felt a terrible guilt that I could not quite understand and I found myself falling into a slight depression over what I felt was a failure of the hugest proportions. I have always excelled at everything I try, but at parenting I sucked. 

I scheduled an appointment at a renowned Adler child practitioner for a fat chunk of change. I had decided to take responsibility and action. The night before the meeting, my neighbour, a Chabad Jew sent a text asking if I would like to join her to a lecture by a Rabbi on raising and educating children. The synchronicity was astounding. I took her up on the offer. The event was informal and held at the humble home of a lovely, smiling, pregnant young woman who had recently suffered the loss of her three-month old baby and now was offering the lecture as a blessing for her unborn. All she asked of us was to show up, say a few prayers and donate $2.50 to the gentle, hat wearing Rabbi who shyly began to share his wisdom.

The Rabbi explained that our soul is made up of different components. There are parts that are revealed to the world, parts that are revealed to us and parts that are hidden.  Our behaviour is revealed to the world, our thoughts and feelings are revealed to ourselves and sometimes others and the hidden parts of our soul are connected to divine source. Some cultures would call these parts our higher selves. Child psychologists and other educators deal with children on the revealed levels, the levels that we as adults understand- behaviour, mind and feelings. Examples of this are connecting to the child on a level of mind- setting boundaries such as "If you touch that fire you will get burnt and it will be painful so don't go too close to the heat." Or appealing to their feelings with negotiations like, " Your behaviour really upset me and hurt my feelings, its not very loving."...This is how we as adults operate in the world as many of us no longer are connected to the unrevealed side of our soul. For the most part we operate on a purely physical level, being slaves to our feelings and our mind. Children are operating completely from the hidden part of their soul. They experience things on a higher vibration than we do. If there is an argument or a negative energy around them, they are sensitive to it whether they witnessed its occurrence or not. They are not fools; in fact, they are pure divine beings operating on a level we no longer remember. You can not manipulate your child, they feel everything and react accordingly.  The way to truly connect with our children is to connect with that divine hidden part of their soul. The way to do this is through authenticity and giving them a lot more credit for their higher intelligence than we do.

The Rabbi told a story about a father who invested so much in his child. He took him to extra mural activities, spent time teaching him Torah and schlepping him here and there, but his child was slowly slipping away from him. The father visited the Rabbi distressed, unsure where he was going wrong. The Rabbi went to speak to the young boy. After a lengthy conversation, the Rabbi asked the child what his favourite time spent with his father was. The child answered that once a week the father came home early and cooked an omelet with him. This was the activity that touched the depths of his soul. The Rabbi returned to the father and told him that he needn't schlep and try so hard with his son but rather spend one more time a week with him maybe making salad. Quality is more important than quantity and the way you check if you have hit the spot or not is when you see how blissful your child is. That is the unrevealed part of the child's soul singing. 

I left the lecture with a lot to think about. It became clear to me that all that I do for my daughter doesn't interest her. She doesn't care that I feed her and bath her and schlep her to ballet class, she wants me to see her and enjoy her and connect with her precious little soul. The following day on our way home I asked her what her favorite memory with me was. Mia took her time and then finally answered, " The time we went to the pool where the Gymboree was."  Her answer caused my arms to fill with goose bumps. The memory that had touched the depths of her soul had occurred three years prior, when I was 8 moths pregnant with her brother and she was only two! Who knew she could remember that far back?  I took a look deep into myself and had to admit that the burden of having two children within two years of each other had been tougher than I had anticipated and I had begun to go through the motions of doing my job as a parent without enjoying it and my daughter could feel this. My greatest blessing had turned into a noose around my neck. By me going through the motions and not giving of myself truly, the situation had become caotic. I had lost my way but as we continued to walk and talk and she asked me about my own childhood, I was amazed to discover this precious little person just wanted to connect to me and receive all I had to give her. Transformation and revealing of light can happen in seconds, and lucky for me, I was able to snatch the moment and realize that I truly am blessed if I can enjoy these little beings who are operating on a way higher level than me. Children will take your ego and break it into pieces. They are our hugest opportunity for spiritual growth and whoever has the opportunity to receive this amazing gift from God can use it to grow in ways no other opportunity will bring.  Children want to be seen and loved for exactly who they are. They want to be enjoyed on their terms not on ours. Since connecting with Mia, I see that if I just give her my pure undivided attention from a truly loving place even for 10 minutes, she fills up with joy and her behaviour is way better afterwards. Children who are loved and listened to properly do not need to be disciplined as the one follows the other naturally.